It’s 2.30am and it is now probably the 5th day in a row that I haven’t fallen asleep before 4am. I am tired, like reeaaally tired, but not sleepy. My mind is in a hundred different places. My husband recommends sipping a little whiskey in bed to help, which is totally fun, but hasn’t helped me fall asleep. That isn’t like an everyday thing for us (or is it?), but the last really memorable time we did that, we just returned on a long flight back from India, had work the next day, and neither of us could fall asleep. So we drank whiskey in bed, rocked out to Taylor Swift, and had random delirious conversations. That night was cute. This is not.
We are at that point in our trip where the novelty of being in Paris is wearing off. I don’t mean that in a completely bad way – it’s partly good, partly bad. On the one hand, it is starting to feel a little normal at times and like every action or interaction isn’t riddled with quite as much stress. But, it also means that since I’m not over-analyzing minutia with nearly as much scrutiny as I normally do, I can re-purpose that anxiety to other, heavier things. Awesome!
We are beginning to think and talk about jobs and if/how to return to the motherland. I am not even close to being ready to go back, and we are planning on letting our current return tickets expire (it was cheaper to buy them round-trip so we did), but I’m not really ready to confront some of the practical decisions we need to make. This trip afforded us a blank slate. We can be more deliberate in our next move than we ever have before (assuming we don’t run out of our travel $$ first), but I’m not someone who has really clear ambitions. I have just been very lucky. I have only had two jobs and I loved both of them. For the most part, I think it’s OK that I don’t have it all figured out, but every once in a while, I look around at people who have (or look like they have) figured it out and feel a little deficient. But the rest of the time, I think it’s weird to have it figured out and think I might actually be the normal one. But it’s still scary sometimes to be faced with options. Jobs, homes, routines, etc. make tomorrow predictable and easy. But that’s exactly what we wanted to shake up for ourselves. We did that, but now we actually have to figure stuff out – which is the hard part.
So, I’ll get through another restless night, try to put these discussions off a little longer, and hope sleep is just around the corner.
P.S. S suggested this would be a fitting song of the week: